Reality is Setting in...

Today is a very VERY hard day. The excitement of seeing our kids is wearing off and now I am realizing the state they are really in. Our little Geeg is so tiny and not just in the cute way but the OH SO DANGEROUS way. Holding her today she was just so tired, she barely could lift her little head. Every time we visit she has had little broken blood vessels popped all over her face like she was screaming and no one went to comfort her. Her legs are so tiny and frail too, it took all I had not to cry while holding her in my arms. It broke my heart thinking of handing her back over to those care workers. My heart just cried out... LORD do I really have to give her back???? She had food left in her mouth from lunch, it looked as though it was just smashed in her mouth. How do I go home with out her, will she think we are gone and not coming back? Lord strengthen her and give her peace to know we will be coming back and when we do she will never have to know loneliness EVER again.

Jasper is getting more and more comfortable with us but still when I touch him he jumps a little until he focuses his eyes on me and sees that it is me then he smiles and goes back to stimming. His legs are so very tiny and he barely ever bends them or straightens his body out at all. His name means "My Treasure" and when I think of treasure I think of a diamond, so I always tell him I'm going to take him home and polish him til he shines!!!

Silas is strong, he seems brave but for a little boy at 6yrs old he shouldn't have to be. He makes sure to check the room before he does anything. He is not interested in toys... what 6yr old do you know that is more cautious of his surroundings than willing to play with a toy?

Now I don't know what they have had to endure their first 6yrs on this earth but I know it hasn't been easy and I know things have happened to them that would make you cringe and that is enough for me.

Our court application is being turned in today and I have been looking forward to getting it submitted and heading home to see Rorie and Cole and just enjoy the luxuries that my life provides me, but today.... sitting in that tiny room crammed on a little bed with 5people I realized that when I get to go home for the 2wk wait they have to stay here alone. Now I know this is what they know so they should be fine but imagine this for a moment:

Your life for 6yrs has been laying in a bed staring at a ceiling until someone feels like feeding you 2 maybe 3 meals a day that probably last 10mins if you are lucky. That is 30mins a day of human interaction and even then I don't know how much you will be talked to. But one day a man and a lady come and for 2hrs they hold you in their arms, they sing songs to you, tell you stories of what your life will be like and whisper I love you in your ear. For 2hrs 2times a day for a week. Would you want that to end?... I wouldn't!!!

How do I leave? I do I walk away? My heart hurts today, it's breaking I know this will pass and they will be home with us but in this moment Lord I am sad and my heart cries out to you. I know Rorie and Cole are healthy and happy and well taken care of, I can not say the same for my soon to be children. On the other side of things, I know Rorie and Cole miss us very much and there is nothing I can do for my soon to be children except visit them. Visits are hard because there you are with "your child" but you can't do anything with them, you are told where to sit, where to play, how long you can be there and they watch you. I can't feed them or bath them or even brush their poor little teeth. All I can do is daydream about life when we break them outta here. So you can see why the reality is setting in, the reality of their state, the reality of us going home and leaving them here and the reality of all that is still left for us to do before we can get them outta there!

Yesterday at our visit we were able to go outside and our visit time overlaps with the older girls play outside time. One of the girls saw  Fred and I playing with the kids and started crying. When one of her friends came over to console her she yelled at her and the only word I caught was "Mama" then she looked over at us and buried her head in her arms. She must have been at least 16yrs old. And I thought how hard that must be to live a life without goals, challenges to make you a better person, people seeing the best in you, having people in your life to encourage you to become all that you can be and most of all to have someone love you unconditionally. My heart broke for her, there is NOTHING for these children here, Nothing but heartache and death, sure there are groups trying to make changes but how many more have to suffer?

Fred and I are in need of prayer... prayer for God's wisdom, strength, peace and guidance!